What's wrong?

"What's wrong, Miss McIntyre? You look so stressed." I looked down at three concerned faces, and I smiled to think that these girls in my class cared enough about me to want to know why I was troubled. The problem is, I didn't realize that I was stressed.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well," Sachiko began, glancing at Mana for confidence. "I, I mean, we, can just tell that something's really bothering you today. You look really stressed. I mean, you don't have to be really excited all the time or anything, but today it looks like something is really bothering you. I hope we don't do anything to make you frustrated today."
I was touched but also saddened by their comments. If I'm supposed to be a leader and an example of what it means to live life full of the joy of Christ, shouldn't I have a smile on my face more often? I mean, I've had days where I've been frustrated, to be sure, but I really didn't think today was my worst. Yet, here they stood, wanting to know what was going on. What did that mean for the days that ARE my worst? I don't want my class to live in fear of a frustrated explosion or worried that they are stressing me out. I want to have time for them. I want them to know that I love them and care for them, and that I want what's best for them. Yes, I need to teach them certain things by the end of the year but that should never replace being someone they can look up to. In the words of Bobbie Houston, whose book about leadership I am currently reading, I want those in my sphere of influence to see so much good in me (through Jesus) that they say, "I'll have what she's having." The fact that these students thought I looked stressed on a day that I didn't know I was stressed communicated one thing to my heart: you have failed.

Later on, as I shared this with a close friend and we prayed together, she reminded me that we are human and people will see our weaknesses and failures. Yes, we will sin. Although we should try not to sin, what matters most is how we respond to sin, weakness, and failures. We cannot be perfect, and we need to allow others to see that we need Jesus to help us through this life. People may say, "I'll have what she's having," but it's no fun to be around someone that isn't real and pretends they are perfect and have it all together.

Turns out, there were a bunch of little things that had added up to make me stressed that day, even though I didn't realize it until those precious girls said something. I had taken on burdens and it wasn't really helping anything to worry about those things all day long. I was worrying, when I should have been praying.

No, I don't want them to see me stressed or frustrated (especially because then I'm even more likely to sin in what I say or do), but in a whole year of teaching 9 students, it's pretty tough to avoid. Not every day will be a good day. Still, I hope that this can turn into an example of "casting my cares" on Jesus, and then allowing them to see that He is able to be our strength and help and hope and joy. It's not just me - it's Him. More than saying, "I want to be like her," may they realize, "Oh, I need Jesus just like her. Maybe He'll be enough for me, too."