I've sat down many times to write about my life for the past few months, and I experience the same writer's block every time. That's why I haven't written much since January. I've posted pictures and showed you all the fun things that have been happening, but there's a deeper story. I kept hoping I would get inspired one day and know what to write, but almost three months have passed and the words still don't come.
What do I say about 2008? It has been, once again, a season of growth and change. January and February were marked by final exams, beginning a new quarter of school, meeting with parents about various problems among students, praying hard to find wisdom and trying hard to do the right thing. It has been a time filled with frequent tears, sprinkled with triumphs and moments of joy. There really is too much to share it all, but now, looking back, I can see the journey God has been taking me on and will share with you some of the highlights:
Lesson 1:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness.” - I have a tendency to be perfectionist, and I get frustrated with myself for having weaknesses. I see so many of them and wish I could “iron out” all of my wrinkles, but my greatest efforts have fallen flat and it seems God's Spirit just whispers to me, “My power is made perfect in your weakness.” He knew my weaknesses before He called me here to teach in Japan, and He is able to work through me despite how I fall short. My mom likes to remind me that the weaknesses keep me humble and dependent on Him, and then He gets the glory for success. I guess lesson one in humility is admitting that I can't get everything right.
Lesson 2:
Acceptance with joy. One thing that seems to be true of first-year teachers is that there is always something more to do. I could work on schoolwork every day, all day, and weekends, too, and still not be done. Sometimes that's more than what needs to be done. On busy weeks, I HAVE to do that. The weeks before, during, and after exams were like that for me. I spent all day at school and all night preparing or grading exams and then making report cards. I was afraid to count the number of hours spent on school because it was just too intimidating! It seems there are many weeks like that, and I resented how much school was getting in the way of “real life.” I wanted to rest sometimes, enjoy Japan, and really, have more than 1 hour of freedom each day. Although the amount of work was stressful, God showed me that my attitude towards work made it more stressful than necessary. He drew my attention to Ecclesiastes
Ecc. 2:24 A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness
Ecc. 8:45: “nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun.”
I realized in a deeper way than ever before that happiness did not come from avoiding work, but by recognizing that work itself is from God's hand. He has led me here to work as a teacher. Rather than resenting that work, I can find joy by accepting that what He gives me is good. Certainly, I have much to be thankful for – who should really be complaining about a job with as much freedom and responsibility as teaching? After a grueling week of work, with a pile of more work waiting for me on the weekend, I made peace with God about the piles of paper in my backpack and the mountains of decisions to be made and tasks to accomplish in the upcoming week. I was able to rejoice as I worked, instead of rejoicing when I finished the work (although I definitely do that, too!) One simple but powerful thing I did when God showed me the need for an atttitude change was begin to play worship music as I worked and intentionally keep an attitude of praise throughout the day. Although the amount of work has, since then, ebbed and flowed depending on the week, I have had fewer tears, less stress, and more enjoyment since accepting my work-related tasks as “good” because they, too, are from my Father's loving hand.
Lesson 3: “Put on a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness” (Is. 61:3)
After reaching the peak of my struggle against work, I thought all would go well. Unfortunately, shortly afterwards I was filled with negative thoughts of a different nature: “Everything is meaningless.” (sound like Ecclesiastes?) I became a teacher because I wanted to “make a difference.” But am I really doing anything that matters? I rediscovered the age-old answer to this question of meaninglessness:
“Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.” (Ecc. 12:13).
“I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.” (Jer. 29:11)
“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up and make your life significant.” (James 4:10, Amplified)
I also realized that these feelings of meaninglessness are an attack from Satan, trying to depress me and make my heart heavy. God has given me a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, so, once again, the answer is to go about my daily work with a song in my heart.
Wow - I love to write these updates because it really helps me to reflect on what God is doing in my life. I definitely didn't understand as much when I started writing as I do now. I remember, now, times when God spoke to my heart and said that “When I am weak, He is strong.” I remember last year, hoping for a job as a teacher in a Christian school because I thought when I could walk in this ministry I would be fulfilled. I would be great at it because I'd been told for so long that God has gifted me to do this. This year, I have struggled with questions like, “Am I really gifted for this? Why, if I am so gifted, is it so hard?” God has been answering those questions by teaching me about humility. I must humble myself before the Lord, recognizing my insignificance and weaknesses in my own abilities, and then waiting for Him to keep His Word that He will lift me up. What I do this year may not be significant, but I know I am being obedient. I am fearing God and keeping His commandments, and this is the whole “duty” of man.
I wrote the lyrics to this song (really a gift from God to be able to express things this way – it's been a while since I have been inspired to do so). I think they best express my journey from pride in my own abilities to recognizing my complete need for my heavenly “Dad” to be the world-changer. It's a lesson I hope (and pray) I won't soon forget, but one that the Holy Spirit will help me to really live it in more and more areas of my life:
The Change
I'm getting caught
In all that I'm not
Longing to show
The love that I know
Others need
I want to be cool,
More than a drop in a pool
If I could be the change for good,
I promise I would
But I've been reaching
For more than I could give
And I've been crying
So that others might live
But I don't see the change
They said that I could be the change
Others need
So what's my role in all of this?
When I stumble and blow it and miss?
What's a girl to do
In a woman's world?
What's a seeker doing trying
To lead the way?
I think I've lost the reason
Too much “I” in this season
Where are You when I am living life,
And trying to be the change?
I need a change...
I didn't mean to push You out
But I need You back in my
everyday
There's too much I can't get done
And what's a little girl to do
Without her Dad to hold her hand
To face the world,
And change the world?
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